Author: stunudo

Beggars can’t be Choosers

I just started a conversation with the husband over a tangent in a casual conversation and now I am over analyzing another concern of parenthood.

**** Disclaimer: Now this is in abstraction, if you have sat for us it is not me picking on you, this is me looking at myself as a parent. This is about my choices, enforcements and guts: the lack there of rather.****

I am desperate for babysitters, all the time. I even pay my friends who don’t ask for it (if they let me), because I always need babysitters.
One time I saw a friend asking for a sitter on facebook and I volunteered. I don’t get to watch other kids often, nor do I get to spend time with this friend and her child, EVER. She turned me down. It was because I volunteered to pick up the child and bring him to my home in another city for the evening. Or so she says )
I had a few thoughts: 1) What?! Who turns down free babysitting 2) Holy crap she has her kid on a schedule?! Jealous. 3) I wish I had that kind of freedom with child care providers, to be able to say no because the circumstances are not best for my kids’ well being.

Crap I am awful at this parenthood thing, which is in fact, true.

I am very frustrated with my living circumstances, my working hours and my lack of income in regards to the happiness, health and stability of my family unit. But I am desperate, so I have very little say about how or where anyone watches my children. Which leaves me open to a lot more guilt and to be melodramatic: danger.
 I.E. My mom is our current “daycare” and the one thing that drives me nuts: she smokes in front of and near my children.

On her side: she absolutely loves my girls. She comes over at 645am two to three times a week to watch them while we work. She bathes my kids because I don’t have a bathtub at my place. While she is here she does dishes and helps take care of the grandma we live with, who is not her mother. She is pretty much amazing. She is my mom. I have her back. I actually defend her a lot for smoking because its her vice. I’m fat; I know vices; I defend her from the forces of health and perfection (cough, cough, my sister).
But I feel like I should say something, because these are MY kids. However because she smoked while pregnant with me and throughout my whole childhood, I feel like I can’t. Twisted and cowardly, but still difficult.

The same things goes with discipline, but that is a very personal can of worms that  I am not going to open. Though it has nothing to do with my mother or any other specific sitter. Just concerns that cross my mind that I don’t vocalize or that I hold my tongue until a better moment arises and once that moment is present: forget.

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Sometimes I hear Monica Moonlight in my head telling me “You need a change of life”.

(Side note: I have completely forgotten correct punctuation laws, forgive me).

MM was a coworker in Denver, CO. She is the most unique person I have ever met and her joy and confidence are mesmerizing. Now to why I am in need of a change of life:

(No worries, this doesn’t mean I am going to run off with my secretary, move to New Mexico to start a lemonade stand. For starters, I don’t have a secretary! Ha. No? No? Oh well.)

No, what this means is that I need to change the way  I live. I need to live my life in a way that is best for me and my family. I.e. I need to stop playing video games when I should be reading to my kids. (If they would let me read to them when I actually get around to trying).
I need to communicate what upsets me about my life so that it gets addressed and steps are made to correct/ compromise a solution to the concern.
I need to be able to hold myself and my husband accountable for said changes/ results.
I need help.
As I mentioned above, I am desperate. What is so revolting is that it is true in every aspect of my life.

I am desperate for babysitters. I am desperate for my three year old to go on the potty. I am desperate to get my job done, feel accomplished at the end of the day and have a boss/bosses who actually thank me for my dedication! I am desperate for someone to understand me. I am desperate for people to take me seriously. I am desperate for my husband to appreciate me, to see all the things I do for him and all the things I hold back from saying. I am desperate to be a good mother. I am desperate for a spiritual awakening. I am desperate to not be here (at this stage in my life) anymore.

This got heavier than I thought. Sigh.

I am not really good at advice, or taking advice rather. I am naturally too stubborn and probably too lazy to actually take advice from anyone, on pretty much anything. Which is really too bad because I have a lot of great people in my life who are only trying to help. The one thing that I can’t stand is unsolicited advice from strangers. I have twice had customers lecture me on my shoes. One in Denver and one in Tosa, however the one in Denver was so much more kind about it. The woman at Mayfair, who was also employee at the mall, explained how I was destroying my feet and back and was trying to tell me that I should listen to her because that is what she sells: shoes. I completely ignored her out of utter disgust from her rudeness. I had half a mind to tell her she should stop smoking and explain that she should listen to me because both of my grandfathers died of smoking-induced cancers, but I bit my tongue and finished making her coffee. (FYI I do wear supports in my shoes and am not in a position to buy shoes but once a year). I guess it may be how I try to keep myself separate from the job I am doing, but I do not think I would ever walk up to someone and tell them that what they are doing is all wrong. (This of course does not include crimes or acts of violence). Openly castigating a complete stranger, no matter how innocent the intention, is very rude to me.

I have some PTO coming my way next week and naturally I am booked solid. Oh well, no rest for the wicked as they say. It is just so frustrating that I have to use my vacation time to manage my household affairs and regular doctor appointments. But I have to work and my line of work takes all hours on any day of the week. I am very grateful for my job,  I just wish I was better (i.e. more efficient) at it sometimes. Here’s to a beautiful weekend and hopefully more Indian Summer coming our way!

At least I do something useful at work…

I have been completely useless lately. I have attempted naps the past two days in the middle of the afternoon, when I actually have time at home to do something productive. Clean the house, for instance, as many family members will be in town for a family wedding. Or organize my desk to have space to myself for reading, billing, blogging, writing, or gaming. What is the most frustrating is that I couldn’t fall asleep!!! I was wasting time and not resting, double useless. Perk: I got some cuddle time in with one or both of my kids.

Last entry was one that never was. I began blogging in hopes of appreciating the storm that was rolling through SE Wisconsin, but got interrupted as I found my three year old running around outside in it, as she is now tall enough to open the storm door herself. She absolutely LOVES puddles. I let her run around as it was not scaring her and was not cold enough to worry about her getting chilly while wet. Then promptly undressed her in the back hall and let her roam in a towel-dress for a while. The blog, though lost, it was lost to a moment which was better than completing the thought.

Time for more Mama duties: bedtime attempt number 1 for the evening. All forces: GO!

I should and shouldn’t be doing this right now…

I am starting over with xanga as I am no longer the person I was when I was 18 and started my first site. Not to mention am not very proud of the site name which gave a little indicator of my self-esteem level at that point in my life. My main priority is my family, as my main priority should be, hence MamaVents.

So Hi! I’m here and I am not quite sure what I have on my mind today( night rather, its nearly midnight). I am sick with one of those darn “summer colds” which makes everything hushed and foggy and turns me into that creepy mouth breather when either on the phone or while trying to sleep. I got to spend time with my daughters today, since I left work early due to previously mentioned illness. Of course when all you want to do is cuddle, the kids don’t want to sit still. Well, the baby got two nice naps in while I tried to catch some Zs while still keeping at least half an eye open on my 3 yr old. Well, she broke a miniature ceramic donkey that we kept hidden behind the bar that was my grandfather’s and I gave up on rest. She did okay  later at my folks’ house while I worked on laundry; she only lost an apple somewhere in my sister’s room and put on a stomping fashion show with all of my sister’s heels. silly

I should get some sleep while the children are actually asleep at the same time! But I really want to finish my book tonight too… Decisions decisions.