FREAKING OUT!

Well, at least I am good at doing something.
Overreacting is a specialty of mine and I was having a very petty pity party this morning. Work is rather overwhelming at the moment. Then throw in some stupid woman hormones and I “can’t do my job”. I hate the feeling of pure defeat and that is how it felt. I was readying myself for a day full of nodding and agreeing and breathing until it would be all over. But, the big baddies from corporate are not coming after all; freaking out was useless.

 So, I need to get my stuff together. Because being behind on paperwork and unprepared for a serious meeting is really what was causing me to freak out. I have to use my week off to get my stuff together at work and at home. I am really looking forward to it; I relish in the purging of the outdated files and the organization of necessities. The only stinger is that I need to stand up for myself and TAKE the time to maintain the organization. It is not something that I can afford to let slip again, for my sake and for my staff’s sake.


Procrastination
What is something that you put off until the last minute?
What was the worst repercussion for the procrastination?
Did you do it again?

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Still Trying

We have had quite a couple of weeks at our household. We have been sick, sick again, Nana has been in and out of the hospital, my cell phone bit the dust and our babysitter is set to have her baby any day. I especially am sick with some sort of upper respiratory infection and I actually went to a walk-in clinic for a prescription. Just to give ya’ll some perspective, I have not been to a General Practitioner since I started college in 2003. I have not been to a walk in clinic since I sliced my arm at work in the fall of 2006. I avoid the doctor at all costs.  Just to clarify, this does not count for anyone else, but myself. I always take the girls in when they need it or for their regular check ups. The same goes for pregnancies, I am very diligent for my children’s sake.

So it has been hectic and I get to feeling extra sorry for myself when I am sick. So Saturday I went and bought crap food that I don’t like to keep in the house, but I bought it because we were having game night. And I got ridiculed the entire time for wanting to eat poorly. Sometimes a girl just needs some damn junk food. Men NEVER get it. Our game group has dwindled and I didn’t have any females willing to speak up with me and tell the guy to leave me alone or just shut up and deal with it.  It made me feel lonely. So I didn’t gorge myself, I ate exactly a serving size of some candy over the course of the entire night. I did eat more pretzels and french onion dip than I should have, but it wasn’t anywhere near what  I would eat back when I didn’t care. And no one else ate any major amount of the junk food, either because they didn’t want to or they were thwarted by mister- you -should-never- indulge-yourself. (Am I being overly sensitive and blowing what he said out of proportion, probably, but that is how I took it. Besides it is not like it is the first time for him or for me)

So now I have a more junk food in my house than I can deal with because I bought for a group and was one of two people who ate any of it. Today is no longer a good day, my children refuse to listen to a thing I say and I have a ton to get done. I needed to get stuff out and down or whatever. The thing that is really hanging over my head is that Nana is going to die or Nana is going to go in to a nursing home and we are screwed. If she were to go in to a nursing home and we were allowed to stay here (possible, but not probable) then we would have to pay her bills (cable, utilities, etc.) which in no way can we afford. We have been saving up to buy a house, we are no where near being able to buy a house, much less a duplex my husband is adamant we buy as our first home. So I have no idea what will happen to us. If we can’t buy a home, we can’t rent, for what we need the payments would be about the same each month. We make “too much” to qualify for any assistance. I don’t know what is going to happen. It really makes me wonder if we ever should have moved back at all. So I am stressed and trying not to let food control my day.

Thank God I work this afternoon and won’t be stuck in this house for another weather miserable day.

Baby steps.

Forty Days

As a Christian the season of Lent holds a certain sense of sacrifice with it every year. As much as I appreciate the people who attempt (some succeed) in giving up vices for the 40 days, I feel like it is rather cheap. I do not mean to offend. I feel, me, myself personally, that Lent is a time of removing the unnecessary from our lives. It is a time to clarify our core beliefs, the things we hold the most dear. It is not just a time to give up swearing, or fast food or facebook. If those or any one vice you need to give, good, do it, but just don’t do it for the forty days. Do it completely. The forty days are a tool or a step to reaching the life you envision, to be the person you want to be. This can be so for anyone, not just someone seeking a life more like Christ’s, a life of sacrifice and poverty. Though in essence, to live a life of love.

This is easier said than done. I am not perfect, in fact I am world renowned for self-indulgence, whining and quick-tempered outbursts. But I yearn to live a life like Christ’s. I see my faults and I try to address them, however it takes time. We are human, we are imperfect, we have to do this again and again. Year after year. I find myself so overwhelmed with guilt and fear that I forget why I care so much to put myself through the constant guilt. I need to keep trying, because it is then that I can focus on my outcome. Keep my intentions in check and not just give up again.

It helps to itemize and do it regularly. I bought a book last year called something to the effect Me: Five Years From Now. It is a workbook and it breaks down every area of your life physical, social, mental, family, career, spiritual etc. and asks you questions about goals, progress, etc. Its a self help book and I am usually too overwhelmed and depressed to want to help myself. I didn’t get past the Physical Health Section. But I kept at it, for awhile… Now you guys know me and know that I struggle with my weight/ eating/ stress/ food constantly. I have an almost insatiable appetite and its really takes a lot of personal willpower to not eat as I type this entry. Getting away from the mindless eating, ugh. But what I think kept me from keeping up with the Physical Health Section was that I was setting too many goals. I was supposed to be eating better and drinking more water and drinking less coffee and going for walks, etc.

I live in utter chaos most days. We’re poor to working class, my husband is out of town half of every week for his job, I work full time, in retail, and I have no one “set” child care provider, I live with, cook for and help put to bed my 92 yr. old grandmother. It is nuts. So it takes a lot of time and effort to worry about me, but I need to worry about me because that way my children will be able to take care of themselves(physically, spiritually, mentally), when they are older. I need to do this for THEM. So I am working out the details, itemizing what I can do and what is too much at a time. But I am trying, God knows I am.

So my forty days of Lent are a starting point, my step 1. Maybe if I can manage something for forty days solid, the next forty days won’t be so hard, or maybe they will be harder. But I am cutting the fat, as it were. Taking the unnecessary out of my life to get it closer to the life that I want to live. The life of love that we are all called to on some level.

I hope your season of Lent, or even just your Spring season if you are not a religious person, is a time of new beginnings, a time of renewal, a time for only the necessary.

Beggars can’t be Choosers

I just started a conversation with the husband over a tangent in a casual conversation and now I am over analyzing another concern of parenthood.

**** Disclaimer: Now this is in abstraction, if you have sat for us it is not me picking on you, this is me looking at myself as a parent. This is about my choices, enforcements and guts: the lack there of rather.****

I am desperate for babysitters, all the time. I even pay my friends who don’t ask for it (if they let me), because I always need babysitters.
One time I saw a friend asking for a sitter on facebook and I volunteered. I don’t get to watch other kids often, nor do I get to spend time with this friend and her child, EVER. She turned me down. It was because I volunteered to pick up the child and bring him to my home in another city for the evening. Or so she says )
I had a few thoughts: 1) What?! Who turns down free babysitting 2) Holy crap she has her kid on a schedule?! Jealous. 3) I wish I had that kind of freedom with child care providers, to be able to say no because the circumstances are not best for my kids’ well being.

Crap I am awful at this parenthood thing, which is in fact, true.

I am very frustrated with my living circumstances, my working hours and my lack of income in regards to the happiness, health and stability of my family unit. But I am desperate, so I have very little say about how or where anyone watches my children. Which leaves me open to a lot more guilt and to be melodramatic: danger.
 I.E. My mom is our current “daycare” and the one thing that drives me nuts: she smokes in front of and near my children.

On her side: she absolutely loves my girls. She comes over at 645am two to three times a week to watch them while we work. She bathes my kids because I don’t have a bathtub at my place. While she is here she does dishes and helps take care of the grandma we live with, who is not her mother. She is pretty much amazing. She is my mom. I have her back. I actually defend her a lot for smoking because its her vice. I’m fat; I know vices; I defend her from the forces of health and perfection (cough, cough, my sister).
But I feel like I should say something, because these are MY kids. However because she smoked while pregnant with me and throughout my whole childhood, I feel like I can’t. Twisted and cowardly, but still difficult.

The same things goes with discipline, but that is a very personal can of worms that  I am not going to open. Though it has nothing to do with my mother or any other specific sitter. Just concerns that cross my mind that I don’t vocalize or that I hold my tongue until a better moment arises and once that moment is present: forget.

***********************************************************************************

Sometimes I hear Monica Moonlight in my head telling me “You need a change of life”.

(Side note: I have completely forgotten correct punctuation laws, forgive me).

MM was a coworker in Denver, CO. She is the most unique person I have ever met and her joy and confidence are mesmerizing. Now to why I am in need of a change of life:

(No worries, this doesn’t mean I am going to run off with my secretary, move to New Mexico to start a lemonade stand. For starters, I don’t have a secretary! Ha. No? No? Oh well.)

No, what this means is that I need to change the way  I live. I need to live my life in a way that is best for me and my family. I.e. I need to stop playing video games when I should be reading to my kids. (If they would let me read to them when I actually get around to trying).
I need to communicate what upsets me about my life so that it gets addressed and steps are made to correct/ compromise a solution to the concern.
I need to be able to hold myself and my husband accountable for said changes/ results.
I need help.
As I mentioned above, I am desperate. What is so revolting is that it is true in every aspect of my life.

I am desperate for babysitters. I am desperate for my three year old to go on the potty. I am desperate to get my job done, feel accomplished at the end of the day and have a boss/bosses who actually thank me for my dedication! I am desperate for someone to understand me. I am desperate for people to take me seriously. I am desperate for my husband to appreciate me, to see all the things I do for him and all the things I hold back from saying. I am desperate to be a good mother. I am desperate for a spiritual awakening. I am desperate to not be here (at this stage in my life) anymore.

This got heavier than I thought. Sigh.

I am not really good at advice, or taking advice rather. I am naturally too stubborn and probably too lazy to actually take advice from anyone, on pretty much anything. Which is really too bad because I have a lot of great people in my life who are only trying to help. The one thing that I can’t stand is unsolicited advice from strangers. I have twice had customers lecture me on my shoes. One in Denver and one in Tosa, however the one in Denver was so much more kind about it. The woman at Mayfair, who was also employee at the mall, explained how I was destroying my feet and back and was trying to tell me that I should listen to her because that is what she sells: shoes. I completely ignored her out of utter disgust from her rudeness. I had half a mind to tell her she should stop smoking and explain that she should listen to me because both of my grandfathers died of smoking-induced cancers, but I bit my tongue and finished making her coffee. (FYI I do wear supports in my shoes and am not in a position to buy shoes but once a year). I guess it may be how I try to keep myself separate from the job I am doing, but I do not think I would ever walk up to someone and tell them that what they are doing is all wrong. (This of course does not include crimes or acts of violence). Openly castigating a complete stranger, no matter how innocent the intention, is very rude to me.

I have some PTO coming my way next week and naturally I am booked solid. Oh well, no rest for the wicked as they say. It is just so frustrating that I have to use my vacation time to manage my household affairs and regular doctor appointments. But I have to work and my line of work takes all hours on any day of the week. I am very grateful for my job,  I just wish I was better (i.e. more efficient) at it sometimes. Here’s to a beautiful weekend and hopefully more Indian Summer coming our way!

At least I do something useful at work…

I have been completely useless lately. I have attempted naps the past two days in the middle of the afternoon, when I actually have time at home to do something productive. Clean the house, for instance, as many family members will be in town for a family wedding. Or organize my desk to have space to myself for reading, billing, blogging, writing, or gaming. What is the most frustrating is that I couldn’t fall asleep!!! I was wasting time and not resting, double useless. Perk: I got some cuddle time in with one or both of my kids.

Last entry was one that never was. I began blogging in hopes of appreciating the storm that was rolling through SE Wisconsin, but got interrupted as I found my three year old running around outside in it, as she is now tall enough to open the storm door herself. She absolutely LOVES puddles. I let her run around as it was not scaring her and was not cold enough to worry about her getting chilly while wet. Then promptly undressed her in the back hall and let her roam in a towel-dress for a while. The blog, though lost, it was lost to a moment which was better than completing the thought.

Time for more Mama duties: bedtime attempt number 1 for the evening. All forces: GO!